Three choices

A fellow was in a bind. He was struggling with what he perceived to be a moral dilemma.

As he considered the decision he faced, he said, “I just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing here, and making the right decision.”

“The right decision per who, exactly? Per some other person? Don’t worry about those people. Those people can never be satisfied. What you do here will not influence their perspective of you. If they already think you’re an asshole, and let’s just assume they do, what you decide to do here will most likely not change or alter their opinion of you.

Even if I do what it is that I think they want, my life will now consist of only doing things to gain their approval and favor. Like most things that I chase in life, it will always elude me.

If I just assume they already think I’m an asshole, and will continue to do so no matter what, then I no longer have to worry about that. I can relax.

I heard someone say, ‘Ruin your reputation now, and then you can truly live free.’”

He said that made sense.

I said, “And as I’m worried about what they think about me, I’m neglecting my own true self. I’m always the one who has to sleep with me at night. My opinion of what’s right and wrong is more important to me than anyone else’s.

I read somewhere that who I am, as a person being expressed to the world, is nothing more than a collection of my opinions and preferences. I guess that means when someone thinks about me, they think, ‘Oh, Larry likes this, and he doesn’t like that.’

That’s just something I read. Not sure if it’s true. But if it is, then that means if I’m more worried about what others think of me than what I think of me, and I pursue only their desires, then the person who never gets expressed in life is me.”

“I see that,” he said.

“Remember this. Another thing I heard that will make your decision easier. No matter what decision I am faced with in life, in any situation, I have only three choices.

I can accept the situation.

I can change the situation.

Or I can leave.

Those are my three choices in any dilemma.

Now, to make this even easier, know the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now I ask you, what is the only thing you can really change?”

“Not their opinion of me?” he answered unsurely.

“Definitely not their opinion of you. You are not in charge of their opinion. Only they are. That is beyond your control. But that’s not what I’m looking for. What is the one thing you are responsible for?”

He thought for a moment and said, “Myself.”

“That’s it. I am responsible for myself. I am in control of myself. That is the one thing I can actually change whenever I want. I am the boss of me.”

“Right. See, I know this. I just keep forgetting it,” he said.

“We all need reminders sometimes. That’s why I try to spend time with people I want to be more like.

So when I know I have only three choices, accept, change, or leave, it becomes easier when I also know the only thing I can effectively change is myself. I am the one who has to be happy with my decision.

If I’m considering acceptance, I ask, ‘Can I accept this and still have joy and peace in my life?’ That is the real question. I place a high value on internal peace. It’s the best.

If the answer is no, then I ask, ‘Can I change this situation in a positive way? Is it something within my ability and control to change? Is there something about me that needs to change? Can I shift my perspective? Am I willing to?’

If the answer is also no, then it would appear we are down to only one option. I leave.

That is a basic flow chart for decision-making.

Remember, your opinion of you is the most important one. If you compromise your true feelings and values to appease others, you lose power in your life. You become a slave to the opinions of others and end up living for them while your own true desires evaporate.

You have one life. Show up authentically. Anywhere you are compromising your true self, there will be a lack of peace. There will be no harmony there. Your true self is not being expressed, so internal conflict remains. Even your sleep will suffer.

Anyway, I’m not telling you what to do.”

He said, “No, I got it. This helps. This definitely helps.”