I was questioned about my self-worth today.

How do I measure it? Where do I find it? Has it changed?

That might not have actually been the question. It’s simply where my mind went when the question was asked.

Actually… I don’t even remember the question anymore.

Anyway…

I changed the standard of measurement I was measuring my life’s value by, and went from poverty to wealth.

There was one day when I was particularly depressed. I was in my safe looking for something when I found my life insurance policy.

It mentioned that it covered suicide.

At the time, my personal life was falling apart.

I had recently retired from a pretty active law enforcement career and wasn’t doing well mentally or spiritually. I struggled with depression, anxiety, extreme hyper-vigilance, suicidal ideation, and such things.

I thought there was one thing I was good at in life: going after violent felons. I felt I was a pretty good choice to point toward bad guys—sort of like a Claymore mine—and now, suddenly, somehow I was supposed to be a civilian.
I didn’t know how to do that.

As far as my self-worth went, I often viewed myself as cannon fodder by profession. Now I wasn’t even doing that anymore.

So my view of myself was probably at its lowest when I saw my insurance policy.

It said my wife would receive a certain amount of money.

I didn’t think I was worth the amount.

I measured my value as being less than the number printed on that page.

That was a problem.

My life seemed to be falling apart. My drinking had increased. I hated who I was. I felt there was going to be a long stretch of rough road ahead, given the direction my life seemed to be taking.

I thought maybe this money would make my wife’s life easier.

I didn’t think I was worth the amount listed in the policy, but perhaps I could earn it.

“If I stop being a coward, I could earn this money for my wife. It would give her a second chance, and maybe it could serve as an apology for failing her after she hitched her wagon up to mine in marraige.”

That was was the state of my mind was when I arrived at Save A Warrior, the National Center for Excellence for Complex-PTS.

One of the first things they mentioned when I arrived was stating that my attendance in their program cost $5,000. I immediately stood up to leave.

I didn’t have five thousand dollars.

I didn’t think my life was worth five thousand dollars and I certainly wasn’t interested in accumulating bills for my wife to pay off out of the money I was trying to leave behind for her.

Then they told me my seat had already been paid for.

That didn’t make sense to me because we hadn’t paid anything.

They explained that someone else had already paid for my seat.

That confused me even more because I didn’t believe I was worth five thousand dollars to anyone else, either.

Then they said something I’ll never forget.

“Your attendance has already been paid for by someone who loves you.”

That short-circuited my brain.

I didn’t believe I had anyone in my life who cared enough about me to do something like that.

My mind simply couldn’t process it.

I just stood there, confused, until someone finally said, “Would you please sit down so we can start the program?”

My first thought was, “Well… if somebody cared enough about me to pay five thousand dollars for me to just sit here, I’d better pay attention so they get their money’s worth.“

Looking back, I think that’s when my view of myself first began to change.

I thought,

“Well… I’m worth at least five thousand dollars to somebody.”

I am grateful to God that I had such thoughts, because the Save A Warrior program caused a spiritual awakening in me that forever transformed how I see life, and how I show up in it.

Afterward, when I started doing the suggested work (daily meditation, twelve step programs, reading list, staying connected and being of service to others, etc), something else happened.

I recieved a few random compliments here and there. Someone told me that something I had done had eased a little suffering in their lives.

I had no idea how to accept compliments.

When I was new in my recovery from Complex-PTS, I simply didn’t know how. It felt foreign.

Over time, though, something internal shifted.

I stopped measuring my self-worth by money.

Instead, I found great purpose in being of service to other people.

I began measuring my value by how much good I could do for other people. I didn’t do it for the compliments, although compliments are always nice. The compliments are simply what drew my attention to the value of being of service to others.

Whenever I’m genuinely of service to others, something happens inside me.

There’s a feeling of satisfaction that rises in my gut.

Not pride.

Not ego.

Just a quiet sense that my life has value because it is useful.

Looking back now, I don’t think I believed my life had any value because I wasn’t giving any of it away.

I wasn’t being of service. I was “retired.”

Today, if someone asks me how I measure my self-worth, I’d probably answer differently than I ever could have back then.

I don’t measure it in dollars.

I don’t measure it by a career.

I don’t measure it by accomplishments.

I measure it by whether my life leaves the people around me a little better than I found them.

That has become my new measure of value.